This week marks a year into my path to sobriety. I can’t say I’ve been sober a full year because I’ve relapsed a few times.
My poison isn’t a substance. My name is Amanda. I am a codependent. My drug is toxic relationships.
My past is speckled with narcissists, alcoholics, negative, abusive people as lovers, friends, and even family members. A year ago I made a choice that I could not continue to allow these relationships to shape my life any longer. I ended a romantic relationship with an alcoholic and soon there after a relationship with my best friend whom is also an alcoholic.
Detaching myself from the friendship is still hard on the best days. In moments of pure happiness, I nearly reach out to call her. I imagine this is what it’s like for a heroin addict. The things that keep me from picking up the phone are still strong enough to keep me in line. The physical toll ending the relationship had on me was enough to proof that I had needed to end it long ago. I lost my hair and lost weight. I spent nearly six months in the depression state of grief. Soul mates come in different forms- they aren’t always romantic lovers. Losing your best friend to substance abuse is really tragic. I can’t ever imagine what it must be like to be the spouse, daughter, or mother to someone who suffers from this affliction. Earth shattering to think something as simple as a few molecules can ruin someone’s life. That person has the potential to do amazing things. It’s infuriating. And it’s heartbreaking to watch someone you love kill themselves body and spirit through this slow process. Alcohol dependency is the angel of death in my life. The liquid that fuels parties and happy blurry memories even in my current life has also become an accomplice to destroying and stealing those I love the most. I have a love hate relationship with this gateway drug. I still sometimes feel guilty drinking a beer on a hot summer night or enjoying a cocktail.. I know what this poison is capable of but I am not a slave to it. I don’t have the switch that doesn’t turn off. Addicts aren’t born with an off switch. They must have complete mastery of themselves to continue to remain afloat.
If you are reading this and you struggle with the barking dogs of addiction in the pit of your soul- I want you to know how brave you are and how amazing you are for standing up to them. It’s amazing thing to be that strong and over come. I want you to know someone loves you very much and is rooting for you every day. Keep going.
We cannot choose things for someone just because we see that potential. I still struggle with this, even now. I cannot change the world. I can change myself and hope that helps change the world by osmosis through me.
I’ve recently gotten engaged. It has been a journey to be able to be in a place ready for such a commitment. I’m scared and so full of joy. It’s only until the week of my engagement I’ve accepted the loss of my friendship. She will not be there on my wedding day. She will not be part of my life as I move forward. And that’s finally okay.
It was selfish for me to ever ask someone to change because it wasn’t working with what I wanted for and from them. It is selfish for me to judge how others live their lives. I must accept however painful it is for me, that this is what they want.
I admit into throwing myself in an opposite direction of personal relationships this year. Besides my fiance, I really haven’t committed to anyone else. Friendships have become a rather frightful endeavor for me. I have what I call ‘surfaceships’. I seem to find people just as interesting, funny and well meaning as before. I just don’t let them too close. I’m scared my judgement is still off. What if the next person I decide to invest in is also another addict? I have fallen back in with old friends, whom I’ve known for ages rather than reaching out for new ones. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing. It’s a welcomed relief to find comfort in those you’ve been away from for a long time. When you get together you flow back together like water droplets. But newish relationships, even those with the most wonderful potential, seem to just be hanging out off left to the stage, awaiting me with open arms. I’ve thrown myself into my school work and my jobs. Making something of yourself instead of trying to mess in other people’s lives is a great distraction. I’m also more stable financially and mentally since focusing inward rather than out. Don’t worry about everyone else, keep worrying about you and what you are going to do to leave this planet better than you found it.
I have found that personal growth can lead to an emotional maturity gap between you and others you surround yourself with. I’m struggling with this really hard as of lately. It’s lonely here. I crave deep conversation, witty banter, even ironic humor would be great with someone over here battling the same demons. But it’s hard to have a deep conversation with someone when you refuse to let them in out of fear. This is something I must work harder on. I have to learn to take risks again.
I’m a work in progress just like everyone. I’ve made mistakes over the last year. I’ve made advances for dinners and accepted social invites only to not follow up or find myself reading a book at home instead. I’ve engaged in unproductive conversations. I’ve demanded things of people that I have no right to. I’ve wanted people to change rather than accepting them for who they are. I’m sorry for these things. I experience self doubt. I’m afraid of being devastated again. Although it seems after devastation came biggest personal growth spurt in over a decade. Life is about death and rebirth. Fear is death and hope is rebirth.
I’m continuing on this journey, one day at a time. I still have bad days. But the good ones now outweigh the bad. I’ve put my loss to bed. I’m moving forward and working at believing I’m worthy of friends in the same place as I am.
KEYS TO THE IGNITION 