35

I’m an avid podcast listener. Early in 2018, one of my favorite podcasts, Death, Sex, and Money, played this quote from writer, Jamaica Kincaid:

“I very much believe in plunging in and to have the good sense to see it’s going no where and making a new start; Reversing it; I don’t think I’m self-pitying, at least in public. Although I must say self-pity feels marvelous” 

If 34 was about hope, 35 has been about plunging in for me. It has been about plunging in, failing miserably, basking in self-pity, and then taking a deep breath and plunging in again.

Isn’t it crazy how one year can really turn out so differently than we had planned? I started off this year in a classroom- dead set on teaching high school students and really making a difference where I ended up is somewhere I couldn’t have imagined.

What happened? I go back and read things I wrote before student teaching. I was so passionate. I think a few things happened.

I had a completely hideous experience within public education. Teachers in the United States are not fairly compensated for their time. Education, academia, is one of the only professions that requires several advanced degrees to progress within a discipline with very little financial gain overtime. When you have a bunch of extremely educated, brilliant, and innovative people who are underpaid, overworked, and undervalued by society, it creates professional egos, jockeying for favoritism, horrible work place politics, and the most toxic work environment I’ve ever been immersed within.

I’ve worked some shitty jobs in my life. Nothing in my life has been as soul crushing as working as a student teacher. I came in ambitious, excited, and optimistic only to work in an environment where everyone hated their lives. As I fumbled and struggled through student teaching, I reached out for support from mentors and veteran teachers. I was given the “Buck up” “This is hard stuff” “It’s good for you to fail” I would ask for feedback and get a passive aggressive remarks. When things weren’t working out with my mentoring teacher, I sought help from others in leadership roles. This got me in a mess of office politics that I had no idea I was stepping into.  I should have been more strategic. In my defense, I was in a weakened state. Student teaching requires a full-time commitment. I was still required by the university to take two courses all while continuing to work weekends to keep financial obligations in check.  I was also under pressure to complete my state exam (a horrible performance based assessment that is now no longer in existence for teachers in Missouri) and had started interviewing for jobs.

Towards the spring, I had started to unravel. I was up late working on my exam data, preparing lesson plans, and managing to drag myself out of bed in the mornings early enough to get to school to make sure everything was set up for the day and that students had a safe place to come in the mornings. I was miserable. I wasn’t sleeping, eating correctly, and I felt like everyone, teachers and students alike, hated me.

I created a lesson plan that completely bombed. In tears, I sat in front of one of my mentors and a veteran special education teacher and asked “Is there anything I’ve done right at all?” I was emotional and boiling over at this point. She replied, “You need to xyz and xyz. Don’t do xyz.” There was no compassion, no words of reassurance.

There was no uplifting message there. It was just all the ways I had failed. No wonder we are failing our students, when THESE are the types of people we have in education.

Why on earth would I want to commit my life to something I am completely horrible at? Why on earth would I want to be around people who are such assholes?  The teachers I worked with hated their students, complained about the workload, struggled financially, and LIED to parents during parent-teacher conferences. How can you expect to be a role-model for young adults when you have zero integrity? Why would students enjoy coming to school when teachers are stressed, grouchy, and really just drained of all life?

I realize that my experience was not what everyone experienced during student teaching. I also realize after self-reflection- I wasn’t a bad teacher. I was a young teacher who made a ton of mistakes. I also did a lot of good stuff. I created some good lesson plans and I connected with students. There were those who tried to help me- a very kind para and two really great teachers on my floor that had no reason to mentor me but did. I’m thankful for them. I would have never made it without their kindness and gentle words of encouragement.

I thought public education was a place I could really make a difference. I wanted to save the world. I walked away from that arena cynical, upset, and angry. The system is beyond broken, and not just the educators. It’s how we treat our students, our children. It’s how we emphasize a specific way of learning and do not accept others. It’s how we focus on test scores because that’s what gets us the most money. It’s how many kids I saw in my classroom who were in foster care or came from really dismal homes. It’s mental health awareness and learned helplessness. It’s forcing students to learn shit that doesn’t matter and won’t matter just for the sake of teaching it. It’s parent questions about “What are you doing about Black History month” and the teacher fibs about a project that she isn’t going to do and then says they have a club for that. It’s sweeping political or social issues under the rug because you aren’t tenured and you’re afraid of what might happen if you teach students to critically think for themselves about issues that really impact them.

I believe in teachers. I still believe in education. Society doesn’t believe in teachers anymore and sometimes the teachers themselves don’t believe in it.

So I gave up. I saw it was going no where for me and I gave up. My hair fell out again and my marriage was suffering. So I gave up.

I stopped applying for teacher jobs and started applying for ANYTHING outside of education. I applied for non-profit, sales jobs, marketing, and writing jobs. After graduation, I worked full-time at the bar. My husband was let go from his job and I became the sole provider. It gave me a lot of pride to be able to pay our household bills with my own money. My husband helped keep us afloat while I was in school- it was my turn to take on the burden.

It’s been a tough first year of marriage. My student teaching experience was such mess. I was such a mess.  We both saw graduation as a day of freedom and the start of the good life. But it was the end of one struggle and the beginning of another. My husband really loved the people he worked with and thrived in his role. It was a deep hurt- to both his pride and his relationships. When you leave a job you really love- it’s like a bad breakup. He’d get up at 3am-4am even though he’d have no where to go in the morning. He became depressed and restless.

We tried to make the best of his unexpected sabbatical, and took a trip. We figured we’d both start new jobs with limited access to paid leave. We spent a week in the Dominican Republic and loved every moment. It was just for a few days that we escaped the demons we were battling at home and really enjoyed being a couple. In the chaos of the past year, we’ve lost sight of each other.  He is my partner in all things and I couldn’t imagine any of the good or the bad without him.

We had a tragic accident happen. We dog sat for a family member and our dog and their dog got into a fight. It resulted in a horrible injury to their dog and out of pocket expenses for both parties. No one meant for this to happen and I will forever feel terrible about it. It has cost a relationship that I am not sure will ever be repaired.  The accident triggered a final breaking point in a long history of emotional and verbal abuse from this family member.

It is a personal responsibility to take ownership of your own triggers and mental health. Previous trauma is not an excuse or a pass to treat those that love you like an emotional punching bag and expect them to forgive you without an apology and a change in the dynamic.

Later in the summer, I took a job as a healthcare recruiter and really just fell in love. Working with people is fun- hiring people is fun. It’s also fun to “hunt” for the right person for the job.  I landed a job with a great company- with a boss that really empowered me. It felt good to be supported and appreciated. It felt good to be GOOD at something.

As the school year loomed ahead, I noticed myself feeling guilty and ashamed. I’d see photos of my friends’ classrooms and see all the back to school photos.

Ms. Kincaid was right, self-pity has been marvelous.

Something always happens to reaffirm and revitalize you just when you think you’ve really screwed up your life. I was recruited, to be a recruiter, for a group of senior living communities, that is part of a larger asset management company.  I left my safe little pod and jumped into a role I knew nothing about. I plunged in. 

During my first week with my new company, the CEO personally walked myself and several new hires through a discussion about the company’s core values. I was inspired and so excited.

This is the first time in my life I’ve found success. It’s also the first time in my life that I’ve had to struggle some with that.

People are going to judge you and you’ll be judged more harshly by some as you find success. I think this is the weirdest phenomena I’ve ever experienced as an adult.

It’s crazy to me that people take an interest in your mess but as soon as you do something for yourself- get yourself together- they label you as selfish and inconsiderate.  Makes you wonder about those relationships and their purpose. Was I only there to make you feel better about yourself?

I’m learning boundaries are increasingly important. I have to really weigh out if I want to share my losses and wins with those closest to me.  At some point in your life, you have to become less transparent and more solid.

I’m thankful for those who I remain transparent with. This year has been a remarkable year for many of my friendships. Many of my friends have also plunged in. My best friend quit her day job to focus on her photography career full time. She’s so incredibly talented and her bravery is something I envy. Other friends have found love- become first time home buyers-found new careers- become parents- started interviewing for a new job because they are ready to leave their safe haven- and are even learning new things like learning to fly (like a an actual plane!) .  I’m hoping 36 brings more friends like this- those who are brave, compassionate, kind, ambitious, joyful, and daring. I find that I embody these traits when I am with you. Thank you for your gifts.

I became an aunt three more times this year. Two beautiful little nieces and a sweet nephew. It’s been a joy watching my parents become grandparents and really enjoy that role. It’s been inspiring to watch my siblings- as they grow into parents. I’m proud of each of you. I do not know how you accomplish so much in a day.

My nephew, Henry was born early, at 26 weeks. My brother and sister-in-law have handled his 144 day in the NICU with such grace. I’ve often marveled at how the impossible is possible, how the heart can take on so much. Henry is now home and I couldn’t be more excited for the journey ahead.

Other notable mentions: We adopted a puppy. I staunchly was against it but now wouldn’t want our home any other way. He is a hound mix, named Ranger. He is goofy and fun. Our older dog, Attikus, has been revitalized and really enjoys having a friend.

I’m reading for pleasure again and have started the bookclub back up. It feels so good. I’ve loved Daniel Pink, Sabaa Tahir, and Brene Brown this year. We have just started Harry Potter as a group. I’m so excited about this!

I’m still obsessed with Terror Jr. I really love them. I’m excited to explore music more as I start to have a better life/work balance.

I have any interest in coding. I’ve joined a women’s group and am attempting to learn. I think it’s an applicable skill in any field- and honestly? Who really knows where I’ll end up! If anything- my experience has been very much about learning to give it your all and then being okay that it didn’t turn out.

I still miss my students and I get a chest pang when I run into one of them at the grocery store or the gym. I miss teaching literature and I miss the thrill of learning alongside my students. I’m hoping 36 will afford me the time to find a volunteer opportunity to fulfill this part of me.