The raw and the dirty of being a Stepford wife.

I’m standing in the grocery store in front of the milk cooler, literally there is steam coming off my skin.

My face is passive and my voice would never give me away.

The body never tells lies.

I’d place a wager that my blood pressure is elevated and my skin is hot to the touch. I’m having a hard time comprehending the price tag under each dairy item and adding it to my running tally of my grocery budget.

It’s like walking through a dream when I drop a glass container of milk in the middle of the floor lose my utter and total shit in the middle of the dairy isle of my local grocery store.

In sports psychology they talk a lot about mental toughness and how we can push our bodies through pain via mind over matter. But what happens when your mind gets a crack in it and it just keeps growing- everyone has a breaking point, no matter how strong you think you are.

And I had reached mine.

For half of my adult life, I have chosen to be in unhealthy or unsupported relationships. I preach to friends and family that they should get out of such relationships, yet continue this destructive lifestyle for myself.

I’m not sure why I do this. I’ve went through therapy for long enough to know that it’s not something I need to pursue.

Maybe there is something inside me that is so broken- I seek out other broken people to fix instead of myself.

I’m currently in a relationship with a guy that lies to me continuously.  He lies about where he is and about what he is doing.  He says the lies are to prevent me from getting angry about his drinking.  Which, he also has trouble controlling.  His drinking leads him to destroying his own life that he is trying to build for himself and his two beautiful daughters.

No one is perfect.  I think that’s why I stay. Because I don’t feel like I’m a better person to walk away- maybe I’m undeserving or not grown into the person I want to be for someone yet- so I just stay in this circle of destructive behavior.

I don’t tell my friends, my family or anyone the real truth because my relationship is already like a soap opera- the parts that people do see.  And I feel like a fool every time I walk away only to come back again. There is love there- I adore this man the times that he’s sober and sweet. After a fight he promises life will change and he will discontinue his destructive behaviors for himself and for the better of the relationship.  I believe him and then we just end up at the same crossroads a week later.

It’s a terrible thing to be in love and heartbroken at the same time.

I know the relationship is destroying me. But it’s like every piece that is broken of me isn’t strong enough to make the right choice for myself.  And I’ve been here before is the sad part.

I don’t know why I always give half of myself to someone that doesn’t take pride in it.

It’s probably because I don’t take pride in myself.

The sad part is that I know by writing this and letting people see it- it’s all out there. Maybe I want him to see it and for him to really change.

But like every therapy session I’ve ever had: you can’t change people or go into something expecting people to change.

Maybe it’s just admitting that this is so very wrong- that will give me cause to really leave for good this time.

I’m no better than girls with cheating husbands. I’m no better than the girls with the abusive husbands.  I’m no better than anyone that I scowl upon for staying in these relationships.

I sat crossed legged crying in a grocery store tonight.

I seriously have no room to talk about anyone’s relationship.

I am a hypocrite.

And frankly I am fucking tired of it.

I just want to stop it.  But somehow I always end up here.  Which leads me to understand that it’s me. I know I need to make a change. I’m the one with the problem. There isn’t anyone to fix me but myself.

 Picking up broken pieces of others seems to be so much easier than picking up my own.

Standing at the giant jigsaw puzzle of yourself is slightly overwhelming. I don’t even know where the corner pieces are.

I just sit here praying to the love of a God I don’t even think exists that I will be normal someday.

Be the captain of your goddamn ship: Accountability speaks louder that words.

I was at the coffee shop yesterday grabbing some morning brew. There was a lady in front of me at the condiments counter adding sugar packets and talking on her phone. I patiently waited my turn behind her- as the shop was a little crowded. She turned around hurriedly while she was still talking, bumped right into me, and spilled her coffee on me and the ground.

Moving the phone slightly, she makes a weird flat smile- “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Did it burn you?” I said that it was not a big deal, which it really wasn’t, it wasn’t a lot of coffee.  No biggie. She grabs my arm reassuring me, “Again I’m so sorry. Have a nice day!” Then she rushes out of the coffee shop, still on her phone.

She didn’t hand me a napkin to help clean up, nor did she clean up the mess the coffee left on the floor or tell an attendant about it.  She just said she was sorry and left.

Rude, right?

I really wasn’t mad about the exchange. I was just annoyed that she left that mess for me and someone else to clean up.

One of my biggest pet peeves about society and our social interactions with others:

When people lack accountability for their own actions.

Some how the word “Sorry” has become such a common place nicety that we don’t even stop to think what that really means or what it should mean.  We are also totally cool with blaming transgressions on other people, events, or outside factors.

No one makes you do anything you don’t want to do.  No single event in your life is a crutch for misbehaving and carrying on with a pity party.  No one makes you feel a certain way. People, places, events can affect you based on how YOU allow them to enter your life through your own filter. How you respond and react to your life is all up to you.

Everyone responds to stimuli in different ways.  Sometimes we don’t handle them with the best filter.  Grief, anger, jealously and depression are filters that sometimes make us respond negativity.  Recognizing why we’ve responded this way, not blaming our actions on this emotion and trying to move forward to better ourselves seems like a healthy way to navigate a wrong filter choice.

There isn’t a person on the planet that is without flaws or some type of internal guidance turmoil. I think accountability for our self and recognizing we each have things we need to work on creates a better sense of self awareness and a more mindful life.

I used to lie a lot.  I lied mostly to my parents, as teenagers and young 20 somethings do. But sometimes I would lie to friends and strangers. The lies would be about nothing grand, it’d just be about things I had done or hadn’t done.  I guess mostly I wanted to paint this picture of what I wanted people to see- because back then I didn’t feel like the life I was living was up to anyone’s expectations of me.

The truth of it is that I wasn’t living a life up to my own standards that I had set for myself.  I seriously don’t think any of my friends would have cared that on a Friday night I spent watching  “A Knight’s Tale” in my underwear instead of going to the coolest night club with a new boyfriend. I never even had a cool new boyfriend. I had my parent’s cats and some guy that only called me to pick him up from the bar so he could drunkenly molest me for two seconds then buy me McDonald’s.

Side note: I do not miss my 20’s at all.

The cool thing is that once I stopped lying, I started making better decisions for myself.  I started to feel better about myself and I never have to lie about what I’m doing anymore. I fully admit I still make mistakes and I still lie to my mother about my relationships and sex.  It’s not because I am uncomfortable or ashamed of my own actions, it’s because I really don’t think it’s something we can openly talk about without her getting upset.

I also am super mindful of when I say, “I’m sorry” in a tiny voice in my head I ask, “Are you really?”

And then there are follow up questions and statements. “If you are sorry then maybe you should..” “Maybe next time so you don’t hurt feelings you should…”

My loss of control when I am angry is something I have struggled with my whole life.  I will not blame anyone but myself for lack of self control. Recognizing that I have this anger management problem isn’t enough sometimes because that doesn’t solve the fact it hurts other people.  Learning to cope with my emotions better and expressing myself in a healthy way is the only way this problem I have is going to get any better. Recently I’ve been reading books about and exploring mediation and breathing techniques.  Only way to gain anything is by trying something new.

It just seems like in a society of insta-everything we expect the word “sorry” to be the insta-fix without really putting thought or substance behind it. Our interactions would be much more rewarding and cognizant if we just took the time to really take accountability for ourselves. And taking an accountability doesn’t have to have a negative connotation. Recognizing the things we excel at or that we have affected others in a positive way can also prove beneficial. Understanding that you have the capability and strength to change your life and influence others in a healthy way can really empower you to move even farther into greatness.

When I’ve made a poor choice or when I’ve let my anger get the best of me- I always remember that last line in Invictus by William Ernest Henley. I sometimes scream it.  Honestly, it helps me feel better.

You are the captain of this goddamn ship. No one can pull you out of this storm but you. How you react and how you cope with it- others will remember you for it but you’ll be the one that has to live with it.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.