The wonderment of crazy

‘Walking gets too boring when you learn how to fly’

I think I walked a long time before I realized I even had wings. How could a person not realize they had wings? Maybe it’s something you mature into and it happens at different times for everyone.

We grow wings to cope with heartbreak, devastation, or just simply because what you are doing in your life doesn’t match the fulfillment you desire. Wings take us to a new height above all that. We grow wings out of a necessity for change- to feel alive again.

Once I did start flying- my flight path hasn’t always been clear or even probably on the right course. I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me,

I heard you went crazy.

What really is crazy?

I started laughing more. I stayed out late with friends. I made being a better friend a priority. I started listening and opening myself up to different types of music, food, and dance. A few months prior, I would have never been open to these things.  I started volunteering. I guess it seemed crazy to give what was left of my battered beautiful heart to others. I devoured books by the armful. I became addicted to daily inspiration in anything I could get my hands on.

I stopped watching movies and let my life become a scene from one. I let a guy walk me 20 blocks home in the rain and made out with him in my garage. I danced to my favorite song on a platform in a club on the Vegas strip. I drank wine out of a bottle in a cocktail dress. I injured and made a complete fool of myself trying yoga, kickboxing, and burlesque. I became stronger and in the best shape of my life at age 30. I cried openly over things that touched my heart and loved more fiercely. I finally realized vulnerability is a strength that takes courage.

Everyone thought I was nuts for flying. I was going ‘crazy’ because I was doing things I hadn’t done before or things previously out of character.  I was tired of settling.

I wanted a life worth living.

I will not apologize about those early flight attempts, even if they seemed crazy. Frankly, let people talk.  Maybe I’ll be an inspiration for them to dust off their own wings. I was finally enjoying every morsel, every drop this life had to offer. I gobbled it up with an insatiable appetite.

There is a certain amount of joy that comes with being a hot mess. One morning I may wake up to a house on fire and a fireman in the doorway. I’ll still have a smirk on my face as I ask him how long his hose actually is as he scolds me for leaving 1,000 candles in the bathroom lit after a late night bubble bath.

I may attempt a new pose in yoga and push my body so hard that I won’t be able to move my correctly for a week. I’m still blessed to have this body and to attempt such a thing.

I’m never at a loss for company because everyone wants a friend that will get into trouble with them now and again. That trouble may come in the form of a bottle of wine and an escape into the neighbors pool without clothes or something as sinful as a late night chocolate cake hunt. That trouble may also come in the form of a divorce, a loss, or a heartbreak. Tales of mischief and late night giggles will help most through even their biggest blunders.

Puts her hand over her heart 

In this moment, I vow to always be a hot mess and never be anything less.

I vow to embrace each moment- sorrowful or joyful- as a chance to grow.

Let others pass their judgments- they aren’t really existing.

And when all is said and done, let them say I was a crazy one because that’s the only life worth living.

And what will become of that crazy girl who set the world on fire as she becomes a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother? I’ll still be just as crazy. I’ll be the one to suggest a spontaneous trip or an impromptu naked dinner for two with my spouse of 10 years.  When money is tight, I’ll insist I’d love my husband even in a cardboard box.  I’d make boxed macaroni and cheese and a cardboard house for us to eat it in to prove my point. I’ll create puppet shows and read to my kids. I’ll teach my kids to dance. And that if they sing, even if it’s terrible, to sing loudly. I’ll play with them and never be embarrassed by fart jokes. I’ll play dress up and help build clubhouses.  Ice cream and cake for breakfast just because. I’ll take my kids to concerts, art exhibits and weird marble museums. As a gray-haired granny, I’ll play the lotto and host my own card nights. I’ll probably keep a bottle of jug wine for company. I’ll go sailing. I’ll travel to places. I’m going to be the 60 year old woman teaching your yoga class. I’ll be the first one dancing on the floor at weddings. I’ll be the one jumping out of the birthday cake at the nursing home.

This life is meant to be enjoyed.  Walking around with no purpose just doesn’t work. Growing wings and recognizing how good it is to fly has given me a new take on life. I’m really excited to learn where I’ll find myself in wonder next. Wherever the path leads, I’m sure that it won’t be my last adventure.

Golden girls: making and keeping lasting female friendships

I can’t tell you how many times I hear:

I don’t have many female friends. I just don’t get along with other girls.

Well let’s talk about that big fat ugly elephant in the room: competition.  By nature, women are ALWAYS in competition with each other. This is something that reaches deep down in your primal lady-bit loins.  Even though we live in a post feminism society, a woman no longer needs a man to sustain the luxuries of life, you still have an urge to compete both for success and sex. Now let’s talk about the baby elephants of competition: jealously and insecurity. Because we are always trying to compare ourselves to each other, there’s a tendency to covet and desire the things you are lacking.  Not being able to obtain those things can cause insecurity and more than that it can destroy friendships. We often pass judgement irrationally or act out aggressively. We see this in forms of backstabbing and gossiping.

Jealously is by far the most detrimental human emotion.

When you say, “I just don’t get along with other girls” I tend to think one of two things:

You are the insecure, possibly jealous, girl.

OR

You are choosing to befriend girls that have insecurity issues.

My suggestion either way: Make a conscious decision to take competition out of your relationships with other women. You are always going to have a friend that has a nicer home, a better job, a husband (single girl humor there), better kids, a more adventurous sex life, better hair, better boobs, better skin, or maybe just a better car. If you are always comparing yourself to the things you don’t have, you’ll miss how important the things that you do have are. If we focus on what we have to offer in the way of love, loyalty and true friendship, I think more of us would be kind to each other. I think the beauty of female friendships is empowerment.  Because we have this deep seeded need to always compare ourselves to each other, the support we receive from one another is much more valuable than anything a man could give you.  Imagine if every woman you thought was beautiful told you that YOU were beautiful right back. Imagine if charming, sexy, brilliant, funny, and just down right amazing, all were said to you in return.

Side note: If you are in search of self acceptance, you won’t find it in any relationship with a man. Reason number 1 to have female friends, they’ll put you on the right path if they are the type of friends you should have. I believe the truest way to find self acceptance is to follow the path inward. Good friends can help light up that path and help you embrace it. Those we surround ourselves with are the greatest reflection of ourselves.

Friendships are often established out of a common interest. The thing about life is that it always changes and so do friendships. The biggest challenge here is before and after marriage and children.  As a single woman, having several married with kids friends, it’s something I often struggle with. The dynamic changes a bit but you are the same two women that started the friendship together. You just have different responsibilities. Tons of my girlfriends tell me, “Your life is so awesome! You get to go out all the time and you always have a clean house!” and I respond “Your life is so awesome! You have a family and don’t eat pop-tarts and wine for dinner!” The key to keeping these relationships? Really it’s the key to all friendships, continue to show-up and be present.  Be there to support, laugh, listen through it all. Isn’t that the reason you became friends in the first place?

I do want to caution that some people aren’t ready for empowerment. Just because you’ve made a healthy choice to view your friendships without competition, doesn’t mean others are ready to take that leap with you.  Why? Maturity.  Don’t try to be friends with people who aren’t on the same level of maturity as you are. If you find that you are spending negative energy in a relationship, maybe it’s time to move on and cut your losses. Friendships have seasons. You can revisit in a few seasons and see if anything has changed. It’s also ok to have different circles of friends.  Not all of your friends have to like each other or be best friends. Personally, I like I having different circles. It makes my friendships more diverse and at times more extraordinary.

So at the end of the day are you the girl that doesn’t have other female friends? Make the change to take competition out of your female relationships.  Learn to empower others and empower yourself by doing so. Cut out negative, immature relationships.  Show-up and be present in friendship.  If you start doing these things, I promise, you won’t be that girl any more. The result will be long-lasting, fulfilling, fabulous female relationships.

Two of my favorite girls having a moment-

A Plea to Women who Know Girls

I loved loved loved this!

Have a little faith: Why this is my first public blog

For as long as I can remember I have been writing.  I used to write stories about green knights and princesses as a child. As an adolescent  like many of my peers- I had a Xanga account.  Xanga was the first real blog/social media account. I believe it was even before MySpace. You could post journal entries and interact with other members on the site. I remember coming home to my mother shaking her head.  A family friend had found my Xanga account and told her about it. While my post were humorous, my language was foul and she didn’t approve. In high school and college, I continued to write for the school paper and yearbook. Then after that, I went on with life and forgot about my passion.  Years into adulthood, I would go through what I consider a turning point in my life.  I went through my first real hurt-which put me on a path to true self-awareness and a search for what really was the love of my life.  That search led me straight back to writing.

I wrote all of my pent-up hurt and hopes into a Tumblr account.  It was just a bunch of nonsense.  And then one day it wasn’t.  I wrote an entry about how I was getting through my break-up, the steps I was taking to recovery. The response I received was incredible  and a little overwhelming. Something that I loved to do so much affected others in such a positive way. That article ended up getting published in an online journal.  It’s the first thing I’ve ever had published.

All it took was someone believing in me, for me to have the courage to believe in my dreams.

Due to personal reasons I have kept many of my journal entries private.  I let how others viewed of my personal life dictate how I write. I think to be a great writer you need a certain amount of courage.  Everything I write-funny, sad, or insightful- is a piece of me.  Showing a piece of yourself can lead to vulnerability.

I think about this TED Talks with Brene Brown:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

One of my favorite quotes from this Talk is:

Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

Vulnerability helps us make connections and relate.  Isn’t that what writing is about?  A great story-teller is an artist that can paint a picture with words that connects the reader to them.

I’m going to bear all here in this new blog.   I want to show my family, friends, and acquaintances the parts of me that maybe they didn’t know.  I want to inspire hope and laughter or maybe a new way of viewing things. I want to share my moments of heart-break, struggle and joy.  Most of our stories are the universal just with different roles and characters.  I want to grow as a writer.  I want to spin tales out of the gold in my life and some out of the brass.  I understand now that I have this talent.  It’s something that I came to know out of adversity as a necessity.  Writing was a great way to express all the hurt. Now that the hurt is gone, I think it’s time to start working on turning this talent into a skill.  I’ve set a goal for one post a week.  I’m sure some of them will still make my mother upset or my friends embarrassed.  But that’s the price I’ll pay for being a master story-teller someday.