Self awareness is the best gift one can ever give themselves. Introspection- reflection- and sometimes taking action to make behavior changes.
I fully admit to participating in codependent behavior throughout my adult life. Mental Health America- a mental health non-profit advocate program-explains ‘this behavior is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive’
I’ve tried to figure out why on earth I have this issue. I grew up in a pretty normal household. My family is close and I have no residual trauma. Any family riffs have been mended by love and support. I’m pretty lucky.
For me I think it goes back to that other C word:
Commitment.
It’s an interesting thing. You throw yourself into these damaged relationships without any hesitation; But heaven forbid you make a decision about your career, what kind of car to buy, or even switch to a different cell phone.
I am not perfect. I’m scared of making the wrong choice. I don’t want to fail.
Maybe subconsciously I choose to be in these relationships because I believe I cannot fail. I can save this person. I can be a good influence. I can make a difference.
Projects.
In the last three years, I’ve been making myself a bigger project. I’ve been making investments in myself. Pushing myself financially, physically, and mentally to get to another level.
Also during this time, I’ve been in love with an alcoholic and currently live with my best friend, whom is also an alcoholic. My relationship ended due to the addiction and I could no longer sustain the emotional abuse.
My best friend is an entirely different matter. It’s the worst and most painful thing to watch someone you love so much kill themselves slowly. During our three years of living together, she has verbally abused me, invaded my personal space, even at one time has tried to kill me in a drunken rage. But during our 14 plus years of friendship, she has made me laugh more than anyone I know. She has taken care of me when I have been sick. She went to nursing school and made something of herself. She’s witty and charming. She’s the most beautiful person I know. She doesn’t even know how beautiful she is. She saves people’s lives everyday.
But she refuses to save her own.
Recently her disease has become unmanageable. She has threatened and attempted to take her own life.
Tonight in rage, she told me I am the reason she tried to kill herself.
While I know I am not the reason, it might be the most fucked up thing anyone has ever said to me. It might be even more fucked up than the night she tried to kill me.
The one thing you thought you couldn’t possibly fail at- because it was so messed up in the first place- you did. You failed at being a friend to someone who really needed you.
But at what cost is this friendship? I’m awake in the next room at 3:30am after working a 70 hour work week, wondering if she’s going to kill herself. I’ve barricaded myself in my room on more than one occasion to escape the verbal and physical abuse. She’s literally not been present to any of my birthday parties the last 3 years because she’s so drunk she has to leave within the first few hours. The way she treats me stresses me out and my other friends are worried about me. I’ve cried over her probably more than I have any boyfriend I ever had.
What’s terrible is that I stay for the sober days- all of that sounds crazy- but the sober days are when I get her back. This brilliant person I can have playful banter about religion, politics, the state of the world, our love lives…will we ever get married? Will we be side by side at the nursing home? Matching rocking chairs?
Tonight our argument was in rage- what she said was because she’s feeling threated, scared and hurt. But what she said made me feel all those things.
I’ve always said no one makes you do or feel anything you don’t want to. You are the captain of your ship.
I’m no longer going to participate in this madness.
I’m so very tired. I’m tired of offering to take her to counseling, community service events, fitness classes, and yoga to help her feel better. I’m tired of being manipulated and abused. I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of taking out her trash after a week long bender of booze and take out because I don’t want to live in filth. I’m tired of confiding in her my deepest and sometimes embarrassing secrets only to have her drunkenly spout them out to others. I’m tired of being called names. I’m tired of not even receiving an apology for her drunken actions because she doesn’t remember the havoc she sent upon me the night before. I’m tired of being told I’m not supportive and a bitch because I’VE STAYED HERE THROUGH ALL OF THIS. I’m tired of being angry with her. I’m tried of feeling guilty and embarrassed for someone that I cannot control.
I can only control myself. I’m tired of enabling this beautiful person. She deserves better than that. I’m tired of allowing this type of behavior to continue and her lifestyle to have no consequences.
She may not be ready to change her behavior but I am certainly ready to change mine.
Codependency has taught me three things: I am not an island. Being needed suits me but it needs to be in a mutual healthy relationship. I also need someone else. I need someone to make me laugh, to engage me, and to inspire me. Secondly, I seem to have more impact when I make myself a project. Inspiring others through my actions- gets better results. I’ve learned the empowerment of others often comes by first empowering ourselves. Third, addiction is something I cannot even begin to understand. Trying to wrap my head around it, make sense of it, is impossible. I know she is going to have to want to change her behavior for herself. She has to become exhausted with it, as I am now with my own behavior. No matter how many friends and family members have told me to move away from her- I haven’t been able to because I haven’t been ready. I’m ready now. I can only hope she finds her moment of clarity sooner rather than later and decides she is finally exhausted. I hope I do not have to bury my friend because she couldn’t kick her disease. It really is a wonderful world and she deserves to be part of it. I know she is strong enough when she finally comes to this point to beat it.
Leaving her behind, is going to hurt. She’s going to say many more nasty things to me over the next few weeks. I’m going to shed more tears. But remember I said the best way to empower others is to empower ourselves. I’m strong enough to do this. I need to do this for the both of us. It isn’t healthy and it is time to end the cycle of abuse on my end because that is all I can control.
KEYS TO THE IGNITION 